Anxiety in Community: Closeness and Separateness

The struggle between closeness and separateness is played out in the church—and in every relational interaction—on a daily basis. According to Friedman, every interpersonal interaction can be defined, discussed, and analyzed in terms of closeness and distance and how closeness and distance are used to manage relationships. This relational proximity, then, is of pivotal importance for everyone in highly relational communities, including churches, synagogues, and other religious organizations.

The following comments are some expressions of the dynamics of separation (closeness and distance) by parishioners toward their pastors.

• The pastor is too controlling (or not controlling enough).
• Why won’t the pastor visit me? (or visit me more often?)
• The pastor doesn’t like me. That’s why the pastor is always so critical!
• After all I’ve done I don’t deserve to have the pastor treat me that way!
• How dare the pastor ignore me, challenge me, or doubt me!
• If I don’t do what the pastor asks of me, maybe she won’t like me anymore.

Note that the separation issue is not played out only by the parishioner in relationship to the pastor, but also by the pastor in relationship to the parishioner. Pastors, then, must be aware of their own separation issues. Depending on how deeply entrenched—and evident—the pastor’s separation issues are, all of the above issues can be seen in pastors, too.

The following comments are examples of some expressions of the dynamics of separation by pastors toward parishioners.

• Why are the leaders so controlling?
• Why doesn’t anybody respect me or listen to me?
• Don’t the people care for me?
• I don’t deserve to be treated this way. Maybe if I change they’ll love me.
• How can members ignore me?
• I hope I do everything right so that people don’t get mad at me and leave the church!

Naturally, there are times when some of these responses might be healthy. The important point to remember is that it is in the responses of individuals that one can see anxiety at work. When dealing with anxiety, an important rule of thumb is this: the more reactive the response, the greater the anxiety at work. When anxiety is present, all relationship interaction between individuals in the system becomes distorted. This distortion can result in unhealthy, anxiety-dominated relationships. As anxiety increases, unhealthy behaviors, ranging from compulsivity to narcissism and despondent passivity, may also appear.