We all have characteristic ways we deal with conflicts in various settings. Just as the Myers-Briggs typology suggests there are different personality types, there are many variants on conflict styles. In Discover Your Conflict Management Style, Speed Leas suggests six basic strategies used to a greater or lesser degree—usually one or two most often. Here they are:

Persuade. This strategy usually works best in settings of mutual trust, and is not as useful in deeply conflicted situations (such as a divorce settlement) where the level of trust is low and the levels of anger and anxiety are high. Often in the cause of justice and peace, we attempt to persuade other people that we are right. With low trust levels and high anxiety, the negative outcomes of such persuasive efforts are predictable. "A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still."

Compel. We all do this with small children when they run out into the street. There are times when force is exercised legitimately between adults as well. But one criteria for "compelling" is to ask whether the claims of justice are served by the use of force. The non-violent resistance of the civil rights movement can be seen as a legitimate use of force. Because force can often be misused, it must be limited to "critical moments," and only "works" so long as force is in place.

Avoid/Accommodate. Many churches have what has been called a "no conflict norm." If the topic is controversial, avoid it. Often that makes it impossible to deal with issues such as peace and justice. But there are moments when it is appropriate to "cross the street" to avoid a fight. Accommodation "gives in" on the issue. Another way to avoid conflict is to out-wait your "opponent," sometimes while feigning cooperation. Although initially we gain some peace by avoiding confrontation, in reality the conflict is not resolved. It will probably come back to haunt us later.

Collaborate. For many influenced by the humanistic psychology movement or pastoral care courses, collaboration has been the idealized style. It works well when persons are highly motivated, and have time to work through the issues involved. It works best in "both-and" settings, rather than those where only one option is possible.

Negotiate. Leas calls this style "bargaining," and it is often used in conjunction with collaboration. We will say more about this in the section on "Conflict Resolution."

Support. This style is common in many therapeutic environments. When you are not a direct party to the conflict, it may be appropriate to encourage or coach another person to resolve a conflict without stepping in to "fix it" for them. Empathic listening is a form of support. Much of what women have called "nurturing" is in this category.

Research has shown that there are different modes of valuing that affect the lenses through which men and women view conflict. Leas speaks of "accommodating" as a stance in which "a person...often believes that the relationship is more important than the issue, and will therefore shrink from any confrontation that might be required to deal with the issue in order not to jeopardize the relationship." This choice has often been labeled as "feminine" and unfortunately seen as a weakness.

An alternative understanding is that a conflict management style which values relationship-and which takes seriously the requirements to love one's enemy—requires that we value relationship and community as much as we do rights and justice.

Finally, when we understand that all of our opponents are also our partners in conflict, we may want to listen, to support and strengthen them, and to develop their trust so that both of us are competent to resolve the conflict.