Exercise 1: Enemy Imaging in Everyday Life (from Changing the Image of the Enemy, copyright Diane Perlman, Ph.D., 1984. Re-printed with permission of the author. See Resources section for further resources from Diane Perlman.)

1. Think of someone with whom you are in conflict or whom you just dislike. This could be a boss, a coworker, a relative, an ex-spouse, or a president.
   
   
2. How do you feel when you think about this problem?
   
   
3. How much energy do you invest in putting this person down? How does that affect you?
   
   
4. How much do you enjoy getting agreement with your allies about how bad he or she is?
   
   
5. How much do you avoid or limit communication with this person?
   
   
6. To what extent does putting this person down make you feel good about yourself? How aware you of all the ways in which you are better than him or her?
   
   
7. How uncomfortable do you feel if you get information about this person that contradicts your theory about him or her? If they've done something good, do you reinterpret their behavior? (For instance, they had ulterior motives, or did it because of someone else?)
   
   
8. How reluctant are you to change your opinion and let go of your dislike? What would you be giving up?
   
   
9. Right now, are you saying to yourself, "Yeah, sure, but they really are this way!"
   
   
10. Think of a time when you actually reconciled with someone. How uncomfortable was it at first? and afterward?
    
    
11. Think of a time when you forgave someone for something. How did it feel inside? Why is it so difficult to forgive?
    
    
12. Think of a time when someone had something against you, misunderstood you, misinterpreted your words or behavior, or just didn't understand your value system, personal history, or culture. How did you feel? Was it difficult to clear up the misunderstanding? What did you want them to know about you?
    
    
13. Think of a time when you apologized to someone. How difficult was it for you? What effect did it have on the other person? on the relationship? Why is it so difficult to apologize? What do you have to give up? What do you stand to gain?
    
    
14. Think of a time when you learned something new about someone that totally changed your understanding of them or of a particular situation.