Externalizing versus Personalizing

A feature of the problem-saturated story within a congregation is that often there is a villain, a problem child, an unmensch.

There is usually a tendency to personalize what is going on in such a way that conveys the message that if only "so and so" would change all would be well. In congregations, the tendency is to give this distinguished place of dishonor to the clergy or to a group of leaders, a group within the congregation, or even an individual. In my consulting work, I often hear the phrase "those people" used to refer to those considered the "problem children" in the congregation.

The role of a consultant is often to help a congregation see their situation systemically, to see how everyone is playing some role in keeping a problem situation intact. Recently, I heard a story about a woman who had been disruptive within a congregation for so long that the other members of the congregation worked overtime to anticipate questions she might ask so as to avoid conflict with her. After more than a decade of this, and under the guidance of a new leader, they were finally recognizing that a disruptive person in a congregation is kept in place by those who, often with good intentions, tolerate this sort of behavior until it is no longer bearable.

From narrative training, we begin to see that the person is not the problem, the problem is the problem—and, indeed, it is our relationship to the problem that is the problem. A shift toward changing one's relationship to the problem was apparent in a recent training with rabbis. In this training, a new rabbi mentioned how he felt he was being blamed for the fact that in his congregation they could not gather a minyan (a group of at least 10) for evening prayers. The rabbi explained that he was doing his part—he showed up as one of the 10. He called members and asked for their commitment to attend. Invariably, not enough folks showed up—and those who had gathered resented taking the time or felt annoyed at those who did not keep their promises. Even if they did not explicitly blame the rabbi for the low commitment, he often felt that they did.

In the conversation with the rabbi, I shifted the focus from who was to blame (an endless cycle leading nowhere) to an externalizing conversation. As Michael White, one of the originators of narrative therapy, says, an externalizing conversation includes describing the problem using the "parlance of the people seeking therapy and that is based on their understanding of life."¹

In this interaction, I began to talk with the rabbi about the "not enough commitment" problem. This allowed us to depersonalize the problem and to begin to talk about when "not enough commitment" is present. Then we explored the effects of "not enough commitment" on the synagogue, on the rabbi, on the people in the synagogue, etc. In narrative therapy this is called "mapping the effects of the problem." From there we could evaluate whether the effects of this problem were welcome or not—and if not, why not.

As our conversation proceeded, we realized that there were times when the problem, "not enough commitment," was not present, such as on "high holy days," at "memorial services," and especially at family events. We then talked about what was present in these circumstances. The rabbi was able to see that people found something meaningful in these events; there were generations of commitment and loyalty that supported people in making the commitment to these high holy days services. This allowed him to see that he could refocus his efforts on the alternate story of what contributes to "not enough commitment" not being present in the life of the synagogue. This allowed him to stand outside of the problem-saturated story and to see more possibilities for how he could lead and what he could teach.

Clearly, this conversation allowed the rabbi to not only stand outside of the problem but to also take on the role of a different observer of the situation. By doing so he saw a whole range of new actions that could lead to some new results.

1. Michael White, Maps of Narrative Practice (New York, NY: W.W. Norton & Company, 2007), 41.